Beauty, Brains, or Both?

Can we love ourselves in excess? I believe we can have an excess of anything, but as with everything in life, too much of a good thing can become dangerous. I have come across many instances where an overabundance of self love quickly, and imperceptibly, becomes vanity, conceit, and sheer narcissism. There is no question that we are living in an increasingly narcissistic generation, and I see this egotism and hunger for admiration and attention, predominantly among our young girls. The girls I come across have mentalities that are so immature; thinking that beauty and the love of sex is somehow what makes the world go around; they are delusional, naive and simply don't have a clue. Even sadder are the ones with very little self esteem; the ones who need, depend on, and crave the attention of their peers in order to feel even an ounce of self worth. There is an obvious outcry for love and attention that needs to be addressed. The attention solicited as a result of what these girls are putting out there in this social age, is in fact harmful as opposed to beneficial; it's the reason why some of these girls experience hurt and disappointment and the irony of it all is that they have no one to blame but themselves.

Since the start of this blog I have been preaching self love and self esteem, and my position hasn't changed. I want girls to love themselves and love their bodies as well as to embrace their experience as young women in such a perplexed society, but I want to bring to your attention some of the different behaviors I see where self love is abused and tainted. I see girls posting their provocative pictures all over twitter, facebook, BBM and every other social network you can think of; flaunting their naked bodies to every ogling eye. Every picture, every tweet, every status update saturated with sex and sexuality. No intelligent thing is coming out of these girls' mouths; everything is sex sex sex with them. Where are the girls talking about the interesting course they are taking, or the inspirational book they just read? It's depressing to see the lack of substance and quality of the girls in this day and age. These are the same girls who complain that there are no good men; all they get are dogs and assholes. You think?

I'm not saying it's wrong for a young lady to embrace her sexuality or to be open about discussing sex. In fact, I commend your sexual assurance, but I am a strong advocate in the idea that there is a time and a place for everything. I am an equally strong believer that woman should carry themselves with class and dignity. This includes speaking tastefully and intelligently. If everything that comes out of your mouth is sexually charged, then where is the essence and fabric behind your being? Ok, maybe the love of sex is a part of your personality, because I know some of y'all are gonna argue that, but at least balance it out a little, share something thoughtful, give some enlightening or uplifting advice, share the depth of your character, your kind heart, your intelligence or whatever it is that makes you an outstanding person. You've heard me say it many times before, I know you have it in you. I find it hard to believe that sex is all you're about.

Another thing I see is girls dressing so scanty they may as well have left their house in a bra and panty. Cover up! The world doesn't need to see your ass and breasts. As a matter of fact, with clothes on, it is still unmistakable that they exist so I am not understanding what all the nakedness is for. Furthermore, stop with the getting naked in front of your mirrors, snapping pics of yourself in the bare minimum with your phones and posting them on every social site for the entire world to see. 5:10, so and so changed display picture, 5:15, so and so changed display picture, 5:20, so and so changed display picture; each picture, a plethora of ass, breasts, pouting lips and tongues hanging out as if you are dogs. Are we that bored? I know they say sex sells but y'all aren't prostitutes! Stop selling your bodies and start selling your minds for a change. This kind of behavior is empty foolishness, which in tern attracts empty individuals who care only for what they can see on the outside and nothing about the content of the character inside. You can`t complain that all you come across are assholes when all you're giving the world is your body. When Tom, Dick and Harry know what 90% of your body looks like, just based on what you show them in pictures or how you dress to go out, what is left for your husband? Is 10% really all you're giving him because of the mere fact he's seen it all before on facebook? Come on! Let's get real.

The interesting thing is that it's the pretty girls behaving like this. I know how it is. You already get negative attention just by being pretty and you`re just adding to the negative attention by putting it all out there. All these girls have left to do is take off what little clothes they have left on and give to these men what all their pictures and statuses say they're willing to give. Some of these girls are banking on their good looks; thinking their pretty face is what's gonna get them by; not knowing that a pretty face and bangin' body is void if there's nothing to back it. These behaviors scream insecurity at a volume so deafening that it hurts. One may disguise it as the self love I've elaborated on in previous posts, but in actuality, this behavior is quite the opposite. It shows a lack of love and respect for yourself and it shows that there is much growing up to do and a lot of insecurity issues to tackle. What are you afraid of by showing another dimension of yourself? Is it that you're not going to get as much attention? You'd be surprised at the positive attention you will attract from men who appreciate both brains and beauty, men who are looking for a classy, sophisticated women, men who are turned on by your intelligence and not by your stupid half naked profile picture, men who like women who simply have respect for themselves. In my opinion the positive attention is way better than the negative.

Ladies, it's simple. Beauty will only take you so far. Pair that beauty with brains and see the world that it opens up for you. I'll share with you my personal philosophy to help get you started with this change today. After cleaning up your social atmosphere and in essentially your mouths, aim for a life that is edifying to not only yourself but to others. Leave your mark on the people you come across with things that matter and are meaningful. Allow your beauty to be more than skin deep.

Encourage Yourself

"You are NOTHING!"

Even though I'd laugh at anyone who said these words to me today, I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge the potency and the power these words have, and the impact they had on me when the words came out of my own mother's mouth towards me. I'd laugh out loud had it been anyone else (cause' hello! I'm fabulous), but hearing my mother tell me I am nothing, I could only laugh on the inside.

Let me give you some background information and share yet another piece of the puzzle and another part of my story. I was raised in a single parent home. My mother was raising 3 kids, by 3 different absent fathers, on her own. I grew up thinking I didn't have a father; my mother was all I knew and she was everything to me. In terms of being there for her kids to provide for them, nourish and clothe them, and ultimately taking care of her responsibilities as a mother, she was superwoman in my eyes. Till this very day I don't know how she did it alone and I have nothing but respect and gratitude for everything she did for us growing up. As the years went on, I don't know how to explain it, not even to myself, what exactly went wrong, but all I know is that we needed a mother, not just someone to feed, clothe, and put a roof over our heads, but someone to talk to and confide in, someone to support and encourage us. That we didn't have. I remember her marrying a stranger and not even telling us about it or asking for our opinion. When that went sour, she blamed her kids for ruining her marriage. My mother will be 50 this year but looks as though she is maybe 35, with no effort on her part, but I sincerely feel like she forgot her year of birth as she rivals with her daughters as if she was our peer. She tells us that we are jealous of her because she looks young and gets attention from men. She told me once that I was jealous because she had a man and I didn't. LOL. I just have to laugh, but mostly I shake my head because these aren't the words a mother should tell her child. EVER. I love my mother and I know that if I had time to tell you the entire story, you'd ask me why? But how do you not love the woman who was there for you your entire life, who sacrificed so much to take care of her 3 children with very little help? It's a love I cannot help. I don't blame my mother entirely for her shortcomings because I am smart enough to know that she is a damaged and insecure woman. She's the kind of woman I write so passionately about in this blog and work so fervently to help with every word that I write. The brief history I just shared isn't even a quarter of the entire story and it isn't even really what I wanted to write about because it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it, but I believe it to be a good introduction to help you to grasp and really appreciate what it is that I actually want to tell you today.

Sometimes, you have to encourage yourself. I got really sick of being put down and written off and feeling like I wasnt good enough. It came from my mother, it came from my father not being there, it came from every man who ever hurt me, it came from teachers or leaders at church telling me that I'd never amount to anything. I had to tell myself that they don't know what they're talking about. I WILL be SOMETHING! I AM good enough. And look at me now. No, I'm not exactly where I want to be but I know within my hearts of hearts that this young girl who is sitting here typing away is destined to GREAT! I had to tell myself that and believe it with all my heart. I had to encourage myself.

There are too many people out there with no confidence, low self esteem and very little belief in themselves. Poor parenting is a contributing factor. It isn't enough to just support a child financially, you need to act as a parent and be there for your kids emotionally to encourage them. Men who misuse and mistreat women are to be held responsible as well. You use and discard women not realizing the damage and scarring you leave behind. People in roles of leadership are to held accountable also. Everyone has a role to play; everyone needs to do their part, including yourself.

Somehow in my life I was deprived of these positive figures, but the bible says that when your mother and father forsake you, the lord will raise you up (Psalms 27:10). These are words that I held close to my heart as a child and even to this day. I don't know what your situation is and there are so many reasons why we may feel discouraged and worthless, but I want you to know today that "you are SOMETHING!" It isn't the end of the world if you don't have someone who believes in you. God believes in you and although we may not know each other, I believe in you. You may not have someone to love and encourage you, so I counsel you to love and encourage yourself. Be your own personal cheerleader. Encourage yourself everyday. Say to yourself, I am great, gorgeous, talented and fabulous (again, thank you Marianne Williamson!), I AM good enough, I AM worth it, and I LOVE me.

You Saw In Me What You Don't Deserve

So I have this friend. No, scratch that, he's not a friend, he's more of a jerk than he is a friend. I dont even know why I still talk to this guy. But, long story short, for the purposes of this post: boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy appears to like girl. Girl gets hurt. The end. Story of my life. Whatever. Anyways, for reasons beyond what I will ever be able to understand, we still talk (minus any feelings whatsover, unless you include feelings of disgust...lol). Over the years we've developed this sort of warped 'friendship' where we're constantly getting at eachother, making fun of each other, name calling, the works. None of our conversations are serious. At the end of the day it's all fun and games. He can be really mean, but I've become accustomed to his crude humor and I've brushed off the worst of comments. Lately our conversations haven't been much fun. I'm beginning to sense he means what he says, disguising it as a joke, and i was convinced of this lastnight when he said, "I dont know what I saw in you." Now, I'm used to him being mean, he's probably said worse, but I cant lie, this one stung. If he was joking, I certainly didn't get it. After the quick, sharp pain his words left, I laughed at the familiarity of the words, as it is something I ponder about him all the time. So as I ended the conversation, I gave myself the space I needed to figure out how I felt about what he had said before popping off on him. I decided that he wasn't worth the energy and the wit I would have mustered up to tell him about his parts...lmao. The first thing that came to mind after getting off the phone with him was that he saw in me what he knows he doesn't deserve....a Queen. As soon as the thought entered my mind, I began to write. The initial sting of his words were there, I wont deny that, but I was over it immediately, his words having absolutely no effect on me other than inspiring me to write. As a matter of fact, I was sort of thankful to him because I wasn't sure where my next post was coming from and suddenly, there it was, I had it. Shout out to him and all douchebags and assholes for their ability to inspire good blog writing...lol. I thought about all the women out there who would take a comment like this to heart and let it get them down. I want to encourage you today. The reason I was able to brush off his comment so easily is because I dont care what he or anyone else thinks of me. The reason I've been able to open up and speak so truthfully in this blog about the things that have happened to me and the mistakes I have made is for the very same reason. I am completely confident in myself. The negativity of others has no effect on me other than empowerment. I am better for people like him. What matters in this situation is how I feel about myself, and as far as I am concerned, I am a beautiful, strong, loving woman who any man would be lucky to have. No one can convince me otherwise. From reading this blog, we can conclude that I've reached a sort of enlightenment as my new friend Malik Yoba put it.

I would like for you to be enlightened as well. I thought of a story I had heard as a child where a poor boy meets a Princess but doesn't realize she's royalty. They fall in love, but as soon as he finds out she's the Princess, he shies away and revokes his love for her. She loves him but he doesn't feel like he's deserving of her because he is a commoner, or maybe he's scared to be with someone of such high stature and so he ends their relationship. This story can very much be compared to my story or even your situation today. Men are intimidated by good women, so when they encounter one they dont know what to do, so they mistreat and retreat. Maybe someone you like doesn't like you back, or someone said nasty things about you. Dont hold your head down. There's going to come a time where someone will see you for everything you're worth and they will cherish you. That guy who said bad things about you is only doing that to cover his own insecurities. Do not give weight to his or anyone's negative opinions of you. Give substance and life to the opinion you have of yourself. Do you love yourself? If you do, you don't care what anyone thinks. Everyone is entitled to their opinion; you just keep it moving. An insecure person would feel the need to further entertain that conversation and in a way try to prove a point or prove themselves worthy. You dont need to do all of that. That person isn't even worth your time or energy. I know it isnt the simplest thing to just not care what people think of you, but the key is to be confident in yourself, accept yourself for who you are, as well as know how to control your emotions. If you get these things under control, you'll be fine. I love myself enough to know that homeboy doesn't deserve me or any girl like me. He deserves to be treated the way he treats women. This attitude has got me through tons of heartbreak and disappointment and with it, no one can get you down or bring you down. So my queens; my good women, if you've ever been hurt by someone's words or a man doesn't want you or love you like you love him, don't sweat it, you're worth so much that their opinion of you means so little.

The Road to Healing

As promised, I want to further discuss what we've been talking about thus far. I really got at my men in the last post, but women, you are not off the hook. No one knows more than me what it's like to be hurt and heartbroken. I wrote with a lot of passion and sympathy for my women because I myself have experienced some of the things I talk about in the last post. I find myself to be often misunderstood by men. For some reason, they see a pretty face and assume I'm easy. This frustrates me more than my words can explain. Just a few weekends ago a guy tried to get me to do shit with him outside a party. I was so disgusted and upset. Why me? What is it about me that makes men think I am just willing to sleep with them? It's upsetting to think about. I have been misused, mislead and mistreated all because men have acted upon preconceived notions based upon my appearance. It is beyond me why men do this. Many times I have ended up hurt because I approached a new relationship innocent and with the best of intentions but also without much thought, only to later realize the other person's motives were undesirable and tasteless. Thinking back, some of the things I have been through could be scenes right out of the most disturbing, heart-wrenching drama. It's crazy. Anyways, I could blame the men who lead me on (and clearly I do), but I would be wrong not to look within myself to see where I went wrong and believe me, I did. I went wrong so many times.

A man once called me naive and when he said it, I knew exactly why and I couldn't even disagree with him. I was naive. I was one of those misinformed girls who believed that even the slightest expression of interest was always genuine. As a result, I have come to understand brokenness. I am familiar with hurt and pain caused by these shameless men, paired with my own naivety. I understand the gaping hole that is left in your heart when you figure out your father didn't love you enough to stay with you or that a man only wanted you for sex. I understand that hurtful yearning for love that just seems so impossible to find. I could have easily accepted defeat and given up on love and essentially on myself, but I came to a point in my life where I had to mend myself, teach myself and pick myself up. I had to look to God to restore me and to be whatever it is I felt was missing in my life. I couldn't continue to make bad decisions that only left me hurt, alone and confused. I made a choice to be healed and do better. I believe it takes a strong woman to work through the hurt of her past, to brush off the dirt and the muck and to unveil the good woman; that diamond underneath for the world to see.

There were so many moments in my life where I almost didn't get up. I said, "I hate men!" and I blamed that attitude on my father for leaving me and not being there for me. I blamed my mother for my timid nature. My inability to say 'no' sometimes was simply because I couldn't. I didn't have it within me. Thankfully I did get up and I stopped blaming others and started making better decisions for myself. Ladies, if you have been where I've been, I want you to get up and do the same. Stop using your pain and hurt as an excuse to do stupid things you're only going to end up regretting. Stop letting men treat you like shit. Carry yourself in a respectable manner at all times. Stop sleeping around, because in 2011 love doesn't mean sex and sex doesn't mean love. Let your actions prove the rumors and name calling and labeling wrong. Instead of walking into situations you know can only end badly, walk away from them. When I was at that party and I walked away from that disgusting man, I walked away a proud woman because I know where I am coming from and I know the agony that could have resulted had I not chosen to walk away. You too can have proud moments. Learn to say no, learn to walk away from situations that can only lead to more hurt, pain and disappointment. Don't wait for someone to come along and help you up. Get up girl! Wipe those tears; brush off the dirt. I know you can do it! Love yourself enough to do it! Finally, never lose faith in love and never stop loving yourself because that love for yourself is where you are going to find the strength to travel the road to healing.

This Is For My Men

My last post was a little long but the topic of judgement is quite dense and can be approached from so many different angles, so I decided that I'd like to further elaborate on this topic by addressing the men. A lot of men are guilty of some very harsh judgement and labeling of women. Did you know that the girl you see hopping from bed to bed...you know...the one you're calling a hoe? Well she was actually raped as a child and now feels that she is no longer of any worth. She feels valueless and fails to see the necessity in preserving and respecting her own body, a moral and standard that was stripped away from her after being so cruelly violated. What about the girl you are calling a slut? She is actually mirroring and acting the way she saw her young mother act while she was growing up. She doesn't know any better because she was never taught any better, as the mother was only a baby herself. She also grew up fatherless and is yearning for love from a man she didn't receive as a little girl. Every time she gets in bed with a man it is not to fulfill her sexual desires, because the truth is, all she can think about is falling in love and being loved in return. She is naive and believes that by sleeping with the likes of you, she will receive love, and she regrets it every single time she realizes that that is not the case. These women are broken and lost; they need to find their way. Sluts and hoes, as you so ignorantly call them are women who are usually scarred and in need of serious emotional repair. Do you still think she deserves the title you've given her?

I am not justifying the behavior of these women in any way but I am asking, on their behalf, for a little understanding. You want nothing to do with her because in your head, she cant possibly be 'wifey' material and she doesn't have class or self-respect. These are the women who get used and abused, tossed aside; overlooked. You discredit her before even giving her a chance or before taking the time to find out that she is actually a phenomenal woman with a good heart. Unfortunately, she has experienced things that have changed her and have scarred her and she didn't have the support system she needed at a young age that would have instilled in her the morals contrary to the behavior you classify as slutty. Yes, her actions may be due to lack of self-love and self-respect, however, it is not fair for you to judge her to the extent that you do without grounds to do so.

One thing that upsets me is the way you guys class her and still use her at the same time. She's a slut and she's a hoe yet you're still willing to have sex with her? I don't understand it. You guys facilitate the name calling and labeling by sleeping with her and running off to tell your little friends how you got what you wanted from her and they should get in line. It's disgusting! Women are governed by emotion and a lot of the reason they give up the goods is because they genuinely have feelings for the man who lead them to believe he had a deeper motive than just sex. Stop leading women on and calling women whores in the same breath. How is that fair? And frankly, why would you went want to sleep with a so called 'whore'? You seem to talk about them with so much disdain yet ya'll are the ones creating them by sleeping with them. I shake my head at this vicious cycle.

Honestly, men need to do better. You can't discount a women because of her past. You wouldnt like it if it was done to you. First, take the time to get to know her and learn about her before making your decision about her. You have a crucial role when it comes to the women you encounter regardless of their alleged sexual behavior. In my opinion, you are here to strengthen and uplift, not to break down or disrespect. Sometimes these women are so broken that a lot of what they do is to try and cope with the pain of being hurt, or simply because they weren't taught. All some of these women need sometimes is someone to show them the right way and to restore them from brokenness. Although I'd argue (and I think I just might in my next post), that it takes a great woman to overcome her past misfortunes on her own, I still believe a good man can be a source of positivity in her life. To me, it takes a great man to overlook a woman's past and to uplift and really support and expedite healing and mend brokenheartedness. I think it takes an even greater man to put away their dicks sometimes and stop some of these fast women in their tracks. But I'm obviously living in an fantasy world.

Some of these women dont believe in love anymore because of, not only men but even other women who discount and degrade them over and over for their unfavorable actions. These women need to be loved despite their flaws and past mistakes, someone to remind them of their value. A good man...a real man, has the power to do this. I feel there is a greater responsibility placed on men to assist in the change and shift in mentalities among young people in our society today. I am pushing for more self-respecting and self-loving women and I admonish you to play your role in this movement toward a healthier tomorrow.

I'll leave you with this thought. Men, one day you're going to want that specific girl who wasn't perfect. Maybe she slept with a few men, or lacks self-respect now, but all she ever wanted was to be there for you and to love you. The girl who sees your flaws but values and appreciates them and doesn't judge you for them. The girl who cant bring herself to hate you, even though you probably deserve it, who realized she may never have your heart but will carry the memory of you with her in her heart forever. When you do realize that this is the girl you've been looking for, it will be too late because she going to be with the man who already knew her value despite her imperfections.

On Judgement

One thing I find so funny about life is its ability to really give you perspective; to really change you. A few years ago, I was convinced and very confident in the person I was, until I endured some hard, pressing, life changing experiences that drastically reformed me and changed my entire impression and view of life. I'm sure the details of what I went through will come about at some point through this blog, if it hasn't already, but for now I just want you to understand the immeasurable extent to which I was affected by my life occurrences and circumstances. I became a totally different person. Before I knew it, the person I was from birth up until I was about 23 years old was no more. I guess that's how life works though. You go through things, you evolve, you learn, you grow; you change. This life, and everything I have been through up until this point has taught me so much. I am very grateful for each experience both good and bad because the sum of my experiences is my very being; the design of the woman I am today. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing, as I am extremely proud of the woman I have become. I am proud of my journey and very proud of and passionate about my story. The road to this very moment has been difficult and challenging but those are the experiences I have grown to really appreciate because it made me the strong, uncompromising woman I am today.

I was knocked off a high horse, forced to grow up and to be realistic. One of the hardest and biggest lessons I had to learn was how to not be so critical of others and eventually, how not to be so critical of myself. I'll be completely honest with you guys, I used to be the first person to pass judgement on someone who didn't do things the way I would do them and who ultimately didn't measure up to the 'Gunnis' standard until circumstances hit me to the point where not even I measured up to my own standards. Funny how life works. I'd tell my friend she was crazy for getting involved with a man with kids, until I fell in love with a man who had a daughter. My next girl was stupid because she got back together with her ex who hurt her, until I ended up in the same situation. I remember going on and on about a 'Christian' girl who was 'wildin out' at a party until I became that same 'church girl' right in the center of the dance floor. It was easy for me to judge them because I was so far removed from anything they were going through. At the time, no one I knew had kids, I was hell bent on the idea that if a man hurt me in any way I would be done with him forever, and I hadn't even been to a club, party or dance in my entire life, so of course it was easy to judge. Judgement is so effortless when you haven't been in the shoes of the person you're judging. I learned this lesson the hard way but I am so glad I learned it. I feel bad when I think of all the people I may have deliberately or unknowingly pointed the finger at. If you are reading, I do sincerely apologize.

Eventually, I ended up on the receiving end of the judgement which just drilled the lesson into my head even further. There was a period in my life where rumors about me and misleading versions of my story were being thrown around from every direction. I sat and listened to my good name literally being dragged through the mud. I was in the hot seat, and I'm letting you guys know, its the worst seat to sit in. You feel hopeless and powerless, like it's impossible to get people to understand where you're coming from even if you're shouting it at the top of your lungs. I felt like the walls were closing in on me with no hope for escape. Suddenly, I remembered all the people I had put in hot seat with my injudicious attitude, and I vowed never to pass judgement on another person ever again.

The thing about judgement is that it can be quite involuntary. You don't even know you're doing it. But there are a few things I want to leave with you today. The obvious is, don't be so quick to judge. People are always gonna be doing things that you don't necessarily approve of, but there is a story behind everything and you may not know how a person got to a certain point or why they do what they do. Don't assume you'd handle a certain situation differently because you really don't know unless you're faced with the same situation. You don't know and you cant know unless you've been there. The saying, "don't judge a book by its cover," doesn't only apply to books, it also applies to people. You cant know the full story at first glance. Secondly and more indistinctively, there is a correct and mature way to handle being on the receiving end of the judgement. Remember when I told you I love the story of my life? Well, I didnt always. I hated myself for some of the silly mistakes I made, and I wanted so very much to just erase it all and go back in time. I hated that people had a certain impression of me that was far from the actual truth. What I had to learn was that my mistakes were inevitable, people make mistakes, and no one is perfect. Yes, I have done things in my past that I am not proud of but the important thing is that I learned from all my mistakes. I also learned (as I think I shared in an earlier post) not to let what other people think of me bother me, because the truth is they dont know the whole story. People will always judge and people will always talk, but only God knows the content of your heart, He knows the motive behind each thought and action (1 Chronicles 28:9), and He knows where each piece of the puzzle of your life fits.

I'm happy that my story has begun to unfold since I started writing this blog and that I can use this forum to not only give some insight into my life and the person I am, but to give some perspective to my readers and hopefully teach something. The goal, as you know is self-love and self-esteem and although I didn't talk much about it directly in this post, just know that the moral is there and will be there in every post I write. Self-love includes things like moving on and growing from past mistakes, not being critical of yourself and others and appreciating your life and your experiences both good and bad. So with that said, I thank you for reading and I hope that you have taken something positive from what I have shared today.

Single & Loving It

I don't know how many boyfriends or frogs a girl is supposed to kiss before she finds her Prince charming, but for me, I have had 4 boyfriends in my short 26 years of life. Boyfriend number 4 was the best relationship I have ever been in, but unfortunately, due to things beyond my control, we decided mutually to end our relationship. After him, I told myself and God, that the next man I called my boyfriend would become my husband. Those are some powerful and confident words, but 4 disappointments was just too much for me and I didn't want to be one of those girls who go through countless boyfriends; getting nowhere. I have a vision for my life and it includes getting married and starting a family one day, and I feel that there is no need to enter relationships that dont promise or even offer the slightest glimpse of that.

So yes, I've been single for quite some time, and while the number one reason is the promise I made to myself as a young girl, another reason is because I'm simply okay with being single. I love it actually. I am quite content with waiting for the one that is right for me...my Prince. There is a lot of negativity associated with a single life but I happen to see and relish in its positives. A lot of women dont feel the same way. They need to be with someone at all times in order to be happy. This isn't characteristic of a strong woman. I on the other hand embrace my youth and my exclusivity. I don't need anyone to make me happy as I am the source of my own happiness and I put my needs and wants first, which is the very definition of self-love: the regard for ones own happiness or advantage. Being single has allowed me to spend time getting to know myself. While single, you learn about your needs and wants, what you like, what you dislike, your dreams and aspirations, what you look for in a man and essentially what it is you want out of life. You get to know and truly love yourself, which as you know by now is key.

Single life shouldn't be frowned upon with so much negativity and disdain as it is. Being single is a great thing. To my single ladies out there, this is the time to really enjoy life and to exercise your independence. Get dressed, get your nails and hair done, go shopping, go out with friends, try new things, meet new people, stay active and do you! You'll find that as you're living life, things like love will fall into place in due time. Let single-hood empower you and liberate you. Be free, have fun, stop sulking, and go out and enjoy life as a single woman.

On Love & Sense of Self

One of the biggest inspirations behind this blog is the way I see many of the women around me operate when it comes to the men in their lives. It is extremely frustrating to watch the women close to me become senseless and completely unrecognizable because they don't know how to continue to be the strong, amazing women I know they are, despite the men they are involved with. I know one girl whose man 'engaged' her for 10 years and is still not married to this day, one who didn't finish school because when she should have been in class, she was with her boyfriend who also dropped out of school, another who is with her man just so she doesn't have to be alone or because she thinks she can't do better, and yet another who is so absorbed and consumed by the relationship that she has lost herself and has become a completely different person. These are all big no no's in a life of self-love, esteem, regard, confidence and sufficiency. The relationships we maintain with others, namely our love relationships with the opposite sex, should only provoke positivity and supplement our lives, not take away from or diminish it. A man should never define you or change you. He should never be the source of negativity in your life in any manner. A man should compliment the person you are and he should be there to uplift and encourage you. Being with him should elicit the better version of yourself and dismiss the lesser person you become by living under his shadow.

You cant love someone or receive love if you don't first love yourself is something I'm sure we've heard over and over again and will continue to hear due to the theme of this blog, and I know it sounds cliche and maybe even a little off topic but I assure you, these words couldn't be more fitting. A part of loving yourself is being confident in the person you are, as well as knowing your value as a human being and essentially as a woman. A confident woman maintains the content of her character notwithstanding changing variables in her life (i.e. love relationships). The women I described earlier, lack self-confidence, self-love and substance. A woman who knows her worth wouldn't let a man engage her and string her along for years in an ambiguous and insecure relationship. She wouldn't let him put her on 'layaway' (as my pastor would say), because she knows that she deserves more than an empty, lifeless promise. If the young girl who put her life on hold to 'be with' her boyfriend truly loved herself, she would recognize that no man should be an impediment to her success and her future. She wouldn't be with someone who didn't encourage her to do better and be better. Moreover, she would be her own motivation and encouragement, despite her boyfriend's lack thereof. A woman who loves herself and knows her worth, knows that she doesn't need a man and is comfortable being alone until she finds one that will treat her right. She doesn't rely on a man to make her life complete. Finally, a women who loves herself does not seek definition, approval or verification from a man. She knows that she has a right to be herself and to be an individual in the relationship and in spite of the relationship. She also appreciates the idea that a man should enhance and strengthen the great person that she already is.

I completely understand the power of love and its ability to totally make us crazy. I am a woman and I've been there; done that. But we cannot let it govern our lives to the point where we no longer know who we are and we become lost. That isn't true love. If you forget the person you are while in a relationship you will end up resenting the person rather than loving them. Alternately, the person doesn't truly love you if they stifle your true character and if they don't allow you to be yourself. There is a healthy way to love and receive love and it starts with loving yourself.

My Daddy Tells Me I'm a Queen...

This week I was introduced to a little group called Watoto From the Nile and I instantly fell in love. I knew at that moment what my next post would be about. These little girls, just 9 and 10, creatively, intelligently, and respectfully call out Lil Wayne for degrading women in his music. I couldn't have said it better myself even if I tried. They speak truth and I wanted to share it with you guys.



Amazing right?! I was really impressed. I want to say thank you to whoever helped these girls put it together, and more importantly, I want to thank the parents for instilling good values in these little girls at an early age. A lot of people don't realize that many of the issues young women deal with today are cultivated in the home. Fathers fail to recognize how vital their role is, especially when it comes to their daughters. I don't know how Lil Wayne is raising his daughter, but I hope that despite what his music says about women, that he is teaching his daughter how not to become what his music accuses them of. We wonder why women are so insecure, have low self-esteem and no sense of self-worth. I'm not solely blaming Lil Wayne, but he, along with his colleagues and the music industry itself, is definitely not helping the situation.

I'm not here to talk about Lil Wayne though, nor am I here to tell you to boycott degrading and demeaning music. I want to talk about the 9 year old's line where she says her daddy calls her a Queen. It seems so trivial, but in my opinion it's not. If a little girl's father (or even mother) never tells her that she is a Queen; that she is beautiful; that she is special, how does she know that she's not the bitch or the hoe Lil Wayne or any other man calls her? She really doesn't. She grows up to accept these degrading titles, she develops an "it is what it is" attitude towards her relationship with men, and as a matter of fact, she becomes desensitized to it, listening to it in music, not even realizing that she's being disrespected.

The term 'Queen' is so prevalent in todays society as well. Every girl refers to themselves as a Queen these days. It's being given as nicknames, stated boldly, and even tattooed on body parts. Like I said, on the surface it may seem meaningless, but I don't think these girls themselves even know how profound and significant this trend really is. A guy I know questioned this recently. He asked why it is that he hears so many women referring to themselves as Queens and what qualifies them as such. I could tell by the way he asked the question that he thinks of it as juvenile or silly on the part of women, but I disagree. I personally applaud every woman who refers to themselves in this manner because that's exactly the purpose of my blog, to get women everywhere to know that they are indeed royal beings; to know their value and worth. I went on to explain that the expression 'Queen' used by majority of women today is usually in reference to the way they want and know they deserve to be treated by men. I see this movement as a positive thing. A woman's worth needs to be known within herself before it can be manifested on the outside and implemented in the way she is treated by men. I don't care if she calls herself a Queen, a Princess, or a boss. Just the fact that she knows her value is up there in comparison is enough for me. A woman who knows her worth will for one, not be affected by Lil Wayne's portrayal of her because she knows better and acts better. Predominantly, any man who comes her way will not be allowed to disrespect her. She will put a stop to any disrespect or irreverence at its very presence. She needs and demands to be treated like royalty and greatness and she will not settle for anything less. There are many factors that go into a female becoming that strong, self-aware, don't-take-no-crap-from-a-man woman she needs to be but if she starts by recognizing the Queen within herself and all that accompanies that role, she's already come a long way and for that I am grateful.

You Have a Right to Shine...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Wherever you are Marianne Williamson, I thank you so much for such profound and poignant words. This quote moves me every single time I read it and it’s one I live by daily. If I can help it, you too will be living by this everyday. I love every word and how it is so excellently written, but there is this one particular line that I remember every time I need to step outside my comfort zone. "We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" There is a noticeable connection with this quote and my previous post in quite a few aspects but I wanted to focus in particular on the right you have to be yourself and to be great at it. When we are constantly worried about what others think of us we do ourselves an injustice by not measuring up to the greatness within us. Instead we diminish ourselves but conforming to a mold that has been created for us by others.

For those who know me, I’m a very shy person, and sadly enough it has acted as a bit of a barrier between myself and my full potential. I will give you an example. I love to sing. I am no Mariah Carey, but I can definitely hold my own. When I was younger I used to get on stage and every bone in my body would be shaking. It was a nightmare. As soon as the song was over I’d run off the stage into the nearest corner I could find and cry...literally! There’s something about millions of eyes on me that up to this day doesn’t quite sit well with me. I hate being the center of attention. As I got older, I realized that I needed to break out of my shyness; I needed to push myself and exit my comfort zone. I had to train myself. I haven’t exactly mastered my shyness 100% but I can say that being on a stage today feels so much better than it did as a child. I love the stage; the feeling is actually indescribable. I could go on and on about singing on a stage, but let me not stray from what it is I’m actually trying to say.

I was literally afraid of being great; afraid of the sound of my own voice, if you will. I don’t want you guys to be that way. If you happen to struggle with shyness or other impeding personality traits, you need to take a step today and break out of it now. Marianne Williamson was saying that you don’t have the right to NOT excel in everything you do. Who are you not to be intelligent? Who are you not to be talented? Who are you not to be beautiful? Guys, I’ll say it again, you don’t have the right to not be the amazing people I know you are. Never downgrade and underestimate the greatness within you. Never let internal or external forces stop you from being the greatest version of yourself. A part of self love is also allowing yourself to be all you can be. You have a right to shine. So shine!

It's Time to Fall In Love

I'm absolutely in love with the story of my life. It's a story of pure strength and courage that is writing itself everyday, and over the years I fell in love with the main character...meeee. Even though I'd be the first to purchase the book of the story of my life, it isn't my intention to sit here and write it. Mind you, it is my hope, and inevitably so, that you will get a glimpse into my life through each post I write. However, there is actually an idea or inspiration behind this blog and I'm hoping it will take its shape over time. The idea for my blog came to me a while ago actually, in kind of a light bulb moment, paired with some concern, and truthfully, a little anger for females and their lack of self-esteem and self-worth. Trust me ladies, we have to do something about this! I said to myself, there should be a class on self-worth and self-esteem or something. I'll call it Self-esteem 101! LOL. But honestly, there is so much to be said about these topics and about the unfortunate lack thereof. These are issues I have personally struggled with but not in obvious ways. For example, I was never one to cry if someone called me ugly and I know exactly how I, or any woman deserves to be treated, however, many times in my life, my actions spoke otherwise. Now this is where my life experiences and the story I love so much will come to the surface, because as I continue to write, I am going to get very personal and real with you. I have nothing to hide and like I said, I've learned to love myself and my story and I'm not afraid of being judged or labeled based on my experiences and some of the choices I have made in life. Anyways, I say all that to say that, I want my readers, particularly the ladies, to really learn something from my blog as I talk about things like self-esteem, image, sex, breaking out of your shell, living up to your full potential, how to love yourself no matter what, knowing your worth, how NOT to let a man treat you and how to just be in love with your story no matter how scary it may be. I am really reaching out to my ladies with this one, so as you read on, if you have anything you would like me to talk about or any questions, I encourage you to post your comments or e-mail me. I look forward to interacting with you guys. It's time for some changes in attitude and mindset, ladies. It's time to fall in love!