On Judgement

One thing I find so funny about life is its ability to really give you perspective; to really change you. A few years ago, I was convinced and very confident in the person I was, until I endured some hard, pressing, life changing experiences that drastically reformed me and changed my entire impression and view of life. I'm sure the details of what I went through will come about at some point through this blog, if it hasn't already, but for now I just want you to understand the immeasurable extent to which I was affected by my life occurrences and circumstances. I became a totally different person. Before I knew it, the person I was from birth up until I was about 23 years old was no more. I guess that's how life works though. You go through things, you evolve, you learn, you grow; you change. This life, and everything I have been through up until this point has taught me so much. I am very grateful for each experience both good and bad because the sum of my experiences is my very being; the design of the woman I am today. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing, as I am extremely proud of the woman I have become. I am proud of my journey and very proud of and passionate about my story. The road to this very moment has been difficult and challenging but those are the experiences I have grown to really appreciate because it made me the strong, uncompromising woman I am today.

I was knocked off a high horse, forced to grow up and to be realistic. One of the hardest and biggest lessons I had to learn was how to not be so critical of others and eventually, how not to be so critical of myself. I'll be completely honest with you guys, I used to be the first person to pass judgement on someone who didn't do things the way I would do them and who ultimately didn't measure up to the 'Gunnis' standard until circumstances hit me to the point where not even I measured up to my own standards. Funny how life works. I'd tell my friend she was crazy for getting involved with a man with kids, until I fell in love with a man who had a daughter. My next girl was stupid because she got back together with her ex who hurt her, until I ended up in the same situation. I remember going on and on about a 'Christian' girl who was 'wildin out' at a party until I became that same 'church girl' right in the center of the dance floor. It was easy for me to judge them because I was so far removed from anything they were going through. At the time, no one I knew had kids, I was hell bent on the idea that if a man hurt me in any way I would be done with him forever, and I hadn't even been to a club, party or dance in my entire life, so of course it was easy to judge. Judgement is so effortless when you haven't been in the shoes of the person you're judging. I learned this lesson the hard way but I am so glad I learned it. I feel bad when I think of all the people I may have deliberately or unknowingly pointed the finger at. If you are reading, I do sincerely apologize.

Eventually, I ended up on the receiving end of the judgement which just drilled the lesson into my head even further. There was a period in my life where rumors about me and misleading versions of my story were being thrown around from every direction. I sat and listened to my good name literally being dragged through the mud. I was in the hot seat, and I'm letting you guys know, its the worst seat to sit in. You feel hopeless and powerless, like it's impossible to get people to understand where you're coming from even if you're shouting it at the top of your lungs. I felt like the walls were closing in on me with no hope for escape. Suddenly, I remembered all the people I had put in hot seat with my injudicious attitude, and I vowed never to pass judgement on another person ever again.

The thing about judgement is that it can be quite involuntary. You don't even know you're doing it. But there are a few things I want to leave with you today. The obvious is, don't be so quick to judge. People are always gonna be doing things that you don't necessarily approve of, but there is a story behind everything and you may not know how a person got to a certain point or why they do what they do. Don't assume you'd handle a certain situation differently because you really don't know unless you're faced with the same situation. You don't know and you cant know unless you've been there. The saying, "don't judge a book by its cover," doesn't only apply to books, it also applies to people. You cant know the full story at first glance. Secondly and more indistinctively, there is a correct and mature way to handle being on the receiving end of the judgement. Remember when I told you I love the story of my life? Well, I didnt always. I hated myself for some of the silly mistakes I made, and I wanted so very much to just erase it all and go back in time. I hated that people had a certain impression of me that was far from the actual truth. What I had to learn was that my mistakes were inevitable, people make mistakes, and no one is perfect. Yes, I have done things in my past that I am not proud of but the important thing is that I learned from all my mistakes. I also learned (as I think I shared in an earlier post) not to let what other people think of me bother me, because the truth is they dont know the whole story. People will always judge and people will always talk, but only God knows the content of your heart, He knows the motive behind each thought and action (1 Chronicles 28:9), and He knows where each piece of the puzzle of your life fits.

I'm happy that my story has begun to unfold since I started writing this blog and that I can use this forum to not only give some insight into my life and the person I am, but to give some perspective to my readers and hopefully teach something. The goal, as you know is self-love and self-esteem and although I didn't talk much about it directly in this post, just know that the moral is there and will be there in every post I write. Self-love includes things like moving on and growing from past mistakes, not being critical of yourself and others and appreciating your life and your experiences both good and bad. So with that said, I thank you for reading and I hope that you have taken something positive from what I have shared today.

Single & Loving It

I don't know how many boyfriends or frogs a girl is supposed to kiss before she finds her Prince charming, but for me, I have had 4 boyfriends in my short 26 years of life. Boyfriend number 4 was the best relationship I have ever been in, but unfortunately, due to things beyond my control, we decided mutually to end our relationship. After him, I told myself and God, that the next man I called my boyfriend would become my husband. Those are some powerful and confident words, but 4 disappointments was just too much for me and I didn't want to be one of those girls who go through countless boyfriends; getting nowhere. I have a vision for my life and it includes getting married and starting a family one day, and I feel that there is no need to enter relationships that dont promise or even offer the slightest glimpse of that.

So yes, I've been single for quite some time, and while the number one reason is the promise I made to myself as a young girl, another reason is because I'm simply okay with being single. I love it actually. I am quite content with waiting for the one that is right for me...my Prince. There is a lot of negativity associated with a single life but I happen to see and relish in its positives. A lot of women dont feel the same way. They need to be with someone at all times in order to be happy. This isn't characteristic of a strong woman. I on the other hand embrace my youth and my exclusivity. I don't need anyone to make me happy as I am the source of my own happiness and I put my needs and wants first, which is the very definition of self-love: the regard for ones own happiness or advantage. Being single has allowed me to spend time getting to know myself. While single, you learn about your needs and wants, what you like, what you dislike, your dreams and aspirations, what you look for in a man and essentially what it is you want out of life. You get to know and truly love yourself, which as you know by now is key.

Single life shouldn't be frowned upon with so much negativity and disdain as it is. Being single is a great thing. To my single ladies out there, this is the time to really enjoy life and to exercise your independence. Get dressed, get your nails and hair done, go shopping, go out with friends, try new things, meet new people, stay active and do you! You'll find that as you're living life, things like love will fall into place in due time. Let single-hood empower you and liberate you. Be free, have fun, stop sulking, and go out and enjoy life as a single woman.

On Love & Sense of Self

One of the biggest inspirations behind this blog is the way I see many of the women around me operate when it comes to the men in their lives. It is extremely frustrating to watch the women close to me become senseless and completely unrecognizable because they don't know how to continue to be the strong, amazing women I know they are, despite the men they are involved with. I know one girl whose man 'engaged' her for 10 years and is still not married to this day, one who didn't finish school because when she should have been in class, she was with her boyfriend who also dropped out of school, another who is with her man just so she doesn't have to be alone or because she thinks she can't do better, and yet another who is so absorbed and consumed by the relationship that she has lost herself and has become a completely different person. These are all big no no's in a life of self-love, esteem, regard, confidence and sufficiency. The relationships we maintain with others, namely our love relationships with the opposite sex, should only provoke positivity and supplement our lives, not take away from or diminish it. A man should never define you or change you. He should never be the source of negativity in your life in any manner. A man should compliment the person you are and he should be there to uplift and encourage you. Being with him should elicit the better version of yourself and dismiss the lesser person you become by living under his shadow.

You cant love someone or receive love if you don't first love yourself is something I'm sure we've heard over and over again and will continue to hear due to the theme of this blog, and I know it sounds cliche and maybe even a little off topic but I assure you, these words couldn't be more fitting. A part of loving yourself is being confident in the person you are, as well as knowing your value as a human being and essentially as a woman. A confident woman maintains the content of her character notwithstanding changing variables in her life (i.e. love relationships). The women I described earlier, lack self-confidence, self-love and substance. A woman who knows her worth wouldn't let a man engage her and string her along for years in an ambiguous and insecure relationship. She wouldn't let him put her on 'layaway' (as my pastor would say), because she knows that she deserves more than an empty, lifeless promise. If the young girl who put her life on hold to 'be with' her boyfriend truly loved herself, she would recognize that no man should be an impediment to her success and her future. She wouldn't be with someone who didn't encourage her to do better and be better. Moreover, she would be her own motivation and encouragement, despite her boyfriend's lack thereof. A woman who loves herself and knows her worth, knows that she doesn't need a man and is comfortable being alone until she finds one that will treat her right. She doesn't rely on a man to make her life complete. Finally, a women who loves herself does not seek definition, approval or verification from a man. She knows that she has a right to be herself and to be an individual in the relationship and in spite of the relationship. She also appreciates the idea that a man should enhance and strengthen the great person that she already is.

I completely understand the power of love and its ability to totally make us crazy. I am a woman and I've been there; done that. But we cannot let it govern our lives to the point where we no longer know who we are and we become lost. That isn't true love. If you forget the person you are while in a relationship you will end up resenting the person rather than loving them. Alternately, the person doesn't truly love you if they stifle your true character and if they don't allow you to be yourself. There is a healthy way to love and receive love and it starts with loving yourself.

My Daddy Tells Me I'm a Queen...

This week I was introduced to a little group called Watoto From the Nile and I instantly fell in love. I knew at that moment what my next post would be about. These little girls, just 9 and 10, creatively, intelligently, and respectfully call out Lil Wayne for degrading women in his music. I couldn't have said it better myself even if I tried. They speak truth and I wanted to share it with you guys.



Amazing right?! I was really impressed. I want to say thank you to whoever helped these girls put it together, and more importantly, I want to thank the parents for instilling good values in these little girls at an early age. A lot of people don't realize that many of the issues young women deal with today are cultivated in the home. Fathers fail to recognize how vital their role is, especially when it comes to their daughters. I don't know how Lil Wayne is raising his daughter, but I hope that despite what his music says about women, that he is teaching his daughter how not to become what his music accuses them of. We wonder why women are so insecure, have low self-esteem and no sense of self-worth. I'm not solely blaming Lil Wayne, but he, along with his colleagues and the music industry itself, is definitely not helping the situation.

I'm not here to talk about Lil Wayne though, nor am I here to tell you to boycott degrading and demeaning music. I want to talk about the 9 year old's line where she says her daddy calls her a Queen. It seems so trivial, but in my opinion it's not. If a little girl's father (or even mother) never tells her that she is a Queen; that she is beautiful; that she is special, how does she know that she's not the bitch or the hoe Lil Wayne or any other man calls her? She really doesn't. She grows up to accept these degrading titles, she develops an "it is what it is" attitude towards her relationship with men, and as a matter of fact, she becomes desensitized to it, listening to it in music, not even realizing that she's being disrespected.

The term 'Queen' is so prevalent in todays society as well. Every girl refers to themselves as a Queen these days. It's being given as nicknames, stated boldly, and even tattooed on body parts. Like I said, on the surface it may seem meaningless, but I don't think these girls themselves even know how profound and significant this trend really is. A guy I know questioned this recently. He asked why it is that he hears so many women referring to themselves as Queens and what qualifies them as such. I could tell by the way he asked the question that he thinks of it as juvenile or silly on the part of women, but I disagree. I personally applaud every woman who refers to themselves in this manner because that's exactly the purpose of my blog, to get women everywhere to know that they are indeed royal beings; to know their value and worth. I went on to explain that the expression 'Queen' used by majority of women today is usually in reference to the way they want and know they deserve to be treated by men. I see this movement as a positive thing. A woman's worth needs to be known within herself before it can be manifested on the outside and implemented in the way she is treated by men. I don't care if she calls herself a Queen, a Princess, or a boss. Just the fact that she knows her value is up there in comparison is enough for me. A woman who knows her worth will for one, not be affected by Lil Wayne's portrayal of her because she knows better and acts better. Predominantly, any man who comes her way will not be allowed to disrespect her. She will put a stop to any disrespect or irreverence at its very presence. She needs and demands to be treated like royalty and greatness and she will not settle for anything less. There are many factors that go into a female becoming that strong, self-aware, don't-take-no-crap-from-a-man woman she needs to be but if she starts by recognizing the Queen within herself and all that accompanies that role, she's already come a long way and for that I am grateful.